True Honesty

At that moment, I felt connected to every person in the hall. I could feel the energy vibrating within me. The emotions in the hall were high and it etched a huge smile upon my face. Everyone was moving and dancing to the beat, singing loudly with their eyes closed, not caring if they were out of tune. Love was in the air.

That was how I felt on Tuesday, during the first Kelabit church mass I attended.

At that moment, I didn’t care about anyone or anything else in the hall. I just closed my eyes and sang together with everyone else. I felt connected to all of them. It was amazing. Over and over again I was amazed at how much the Kelabits gave compared to how much they had.

Ever since we set foot in Bario, they have been pouring their love towards us. When we reached Bario, we were greeted with genuine warm hugs, which was so different from the ones we give others normally, meaningless. We were fed and served many dishes each day which my tepuq was sure to ask me to “tambah lagi (add on)“. We were approached by many friendly Kelabits who asked us where we were from and other questions about Project WHEE!. Some who do not have enough to support themselves, even welcomed us into their families.

Trying my hand at picking some "tengayan"

We got to share their homes, live their lives, hear their stories, receive their unconditional love, overeat their tasty food. We got it all.

But at that moment, I was really touched. I could see many of them giving everything they had in their prayer. Just being there and listening to them pray, I could see them singing their hearts out, all dressed up beautifully, every emotion carried in their voices. It was humbling. The way they sang was so honest. They surrendered everything they had to God. They surrendered the growth of their crops and even the simplest things like meeting each other to God. They surrendered their lives, whatever that happens, good or bad to God, and they will accept it as His will. And when they left church, they left without a second thought, without fear. That is true honesty, true bravery and true living.

It isn’t easy to surrender and let go especially when we are constantly planning, executing, preparing until we deceive ourselves that we are in control. When something doesn’t happen as planned, we break down and are unable to accept it. 

When we experience that feeling of loss and pain, we start to give less so if we ever lose again, we lose less. It's human nature, I guess. But in that, we teach ourselves to be less genuine, less from the heart. And so, we are less liberated due to this illusion of control we create for ourselves. If only we could learn from our dear tepuqs and fellow Kelabits, learn how to surrender so honestly and so truly that nothing ever can hurt us. Then we will become free! Bario-style…

Christine